The Last Three Minutes

I have a theory, well I have a lot of theories, but I’ll just stick to this one. Well, I’ll try to just stick to just one. You see the other day I was watching a professional sports game on television. Something I don’t do too often, because I’m usually so active, but anyway. The score was close with just three minutes to go. Finally at the last second the teams were tied, and the game went into overtime for another three minutes. It was exciting and I brushed the crumbs off my chest, sat up and paid attention. It was then that I decided that the problem with most of the games is that they are just plain boring … until they get to the last three minutes.I had to think about it for awhile, but that was okay, I was almost awake, having had a nap earlier in the game. It seems to me that almost all sports would be vastly improved if the games were only played for three minutes. We would just eliminate those confusing quarters, or periods or halves or whatever. That stuff could all replaced by a pre-game show anyway. Yeah, we’d have some spectacular entertainment, say, like having a young teen idol, oh, let’s say that Brittany girl or somebody, do some singing. No wait, she could maybe do some stunt, like bungee jump from the top of the arena while trailing spark-emitting fireworks. Then, if she survived she could sing the National Anthem. Next we’d have the three-minute game. This would certainly help those of us who have short attention spans. This way we could actually pay attention during the whole game, well most of the whole game, well most of us, anyway.This could eliminate all sorts of problems. We could have just one sports season at a time, since the games were shorter. That way we wouldn’t have to overlap, playing basketball during football, and hockey during the Olympics, and so on. Football players could play more than one game a week, and so we’d just watch football until the Superbowl. And basketball games could be played without anybody fouling out, so you wouldn’t need all those guys sitting on the bench with those expensive towels wrapped around their heads and those expensive shoes wrapped around their feet. Think of how much money owners would save. Hockey teams would only need one line of skaters so they could save a lot of money not buying helmets and those weird pants for extra players. And shorter hockey games would certainly save on dental bills. And we could combine boxing with hockey, having the fight after the hockey game, since the two seem to go hand in hand anyway.This could eliminate all sorts of problems. We could have just one sports season at a time, since the games were shorter. That way we wouldn’t have to overlap, playing basketball during football, and hockey during the Olympics, and so on. Football players could play more than one game a week, and so we’d just watch football until the Superbowl. And basketball games could be played without anybody fouling out, so you wouldn’t need all those guys sitting on the bench with those expensive towels wrapped around their heads and those expensive shoes wrapped around their feet. Think of how much money owners would save. Hockey teams would only need one line of skaters so they could save a lot of money not buying helmets and those weird pants for extra players. And shorter hockey games would certainly save on dental bills. And we could combine boxing with hockey, having the fight after the hockey game, since the two seem to go hand in hand anyway.??Now when it comes to the odd sports I have nott quite got it figured out. Take baseball that can not be easily squeezed into three minutes unless we get those guys really hustling. I am thinking maybe each team gets one three minute inning and the best way to do it is to not stop. The pitcher has like thirty balls around the mound and he has to pitch all of them. That would be one pitch every six seconds. And then the batters would just line up at home plate instead of wasting time, sitting, spitting and scratching in the dugout. Then the fielders could go for any of the runners with any of the balls. Wouldn’t that be more exciting? Of course it might be hard on the announcers, but who wants to listen to Bob Euker talk for three hours anyway???And then there’s golf. I haven’t quite figured out golf. Unless we had them play it like I like to.?Each golfer gets to choose one club. Then we all line up at the tee at the same time. I start to swing and then I holler ‘GO!’ and we all tee off at the same time. Then whoever can get his ball into the cup first wins. So all of us are scrambling around smacking golf balls as we joyfully race through the links. Of course we only do one hole. After that we’re all worn out anyway. And the other golfers are doing rude things like tattling on us to the pro. I think playing like that would sure make golf a lot more interesting.?About the only thing left is professional wrestling. Now, if we could just condense those guys mouthing off to only three minutes. Then we’d really have something.

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